Chapter 23

(Nintendo world)

(Scene opens on Heero staring at screen on cockpit. Ryo enters)

Ryo: Watchin' Dr. J again?

Heero: He built himself an NES, and an original Mario Bros. cartridge.

Ryo: Gee, you'd think he'd make something a little less...dated.

Heero: He altered it a little.

Ryo: What do you mean?

Heero: Well, instead of Mario, it's Dr. J. Instead of normal enemies, it's Pokemon. Instead of mushrooms and fire flowers, it's drugs and bombs. Instead of King Koopa, it's Ash.

Ryo: Who's the princess?

Heero: Hold on. He's about to win.

(Shows picture of Original Mario at world 8-4, Dr. J defeating Ash. Dr. J walks to the right and finds...a warhead)

Dr. J (Mario): Hmm...seems to be a thermo nuclear device...weeee!!!

(Dr. J jumps into bomb. Bomb explodes. Cartridge and system explode. T.V. explodes)

Dr. J: Hurray!

Ryo: Weren't there supposed to be two levels?

Heero: That was the second level. In the first one the princess was on fire, so he did a dance and left.

(Trowa enters)

Trowa: I've searched the ship up and down again. I can't find any food.

Ryo: Looks like it's couch stuffing again for us.

Trowa: Actually, we'll be passing close to a planet tonight. There's a place there called "The Mushroom Kingdom".

Ryo: Alright! I love mushrooms!

(Enter Ryo daydream, in which Ryo prances through a land made of mushrooms. He frolics about, eating bits of everything, then wanders into a field of psychedelic shrooms, eats some, and falls on his back in a drug seizure. Return to reality. Heero smacks Ryo upside the head)

Ryo: Sorry. I have a thing for mushrooms. Mia used to bring home a box of them every week, and me and the guys would chow down! One time she brought home a box of psychedelic mushrooms...I think. It's kind of blurry.

Trowa: There's a problem though. We're completely out of money. We spent the last of it on this lead balloon. (Holds up lead balloon) It floats surprisingly well.

Heero: I'm surprised we didn't run out sooner. We only had 40 dollars.

Ryo: I always thought Dr. J was slipping fake money into our wallets…hey, why don't we just get Dr. J to make us food?

(Momentary silence)

Ryo: Oh…right.

Trowa: Maybe we could sell some of his inventions.

Heero: Too dangerous. God only knows what he put in those things.

Trowa: I guess you're right, but there must be a way we can make money legally, considering our talents.

Heero: We'll figure something out later. Let’s just land.

(They land somewhere in a Toad town. There's no spaceport, so they just land in an open field at the edge of town. An alarm sounds. A mob of armed townsfolk surrounds the ship and waits. The gang comes out, weapons drawn, ready to fight. The mob looks at them disappointedly)

Townsperson: False alarm!

(The mob disperses and returns to normal town life. Mario greets the gang)

Mario: Sorry about’a that’a. We thought you were’a de Pokemon!

Trowa: So they're this close to planet Frieza already?

Mario: Yes’a. In fact, they were here before'a the joining, but’a we banished them for being evil and’a drawing attention away from us!

Heero: Where did you banish them to?

Mario: The land of’a fire and death.

Ryo: Is that where they're spawning from?

Mario: Oh, no. During’a de joining, the land of’a fire and death, she’s-a move over there.

(Mario points to burning wasteland)

Heero: …why didn't we notice that a minute age?

Mario: Why you ask’a me? I’m-a no know where’a you lookin'! Anyway, when’a we found the land of’a fire and death, de Pokemon were’a nowhere to be seen. We assumed that’a they all died. In’a fact, we're-a sure they did. The ones’a terrorizing us now are not’a de same ones.

Trowa: Well, anyway, we need some fuel and f-

Ryo: Do you have any mushrooms?!

Mario: (anger/sarcasm) Do we have any'a mushrooms?! Look over there!!!

(Points to village made of psychedelic mushrooms. Ryo drools)

Mario: You no eat'a de village!!!

Ryo: Aw. Can't I have just one house?

Mario: You have’a to pay for it!

Ryo: Uh...do you accept...(looks around franticly) dirt clods?(holds up dirt clod)

Mario: No, but you could use’a that dirt clod to grow'a your own Goddamn mushrooms!

Ryo: But I'm hungry now!

Mario: Shut up'a you face!

Heero: Yes Ryo, do shut up your face.

Ryo: Sorry...

Trowa: So anyway, can we get some fuel for free? We're out of money.

Mario: I'm-a so sorry. We're-a running out of resources as’a it is. We can not'a just give away our'a starship fuel.

Ryo: Well now what do we do?

Trowa: Maybe we could go earn some money.

Ryo: Either that or rob them blind.

Mario: I’m-a still here!!!

Ryo: Oh...well let's just look around town then.

(They head into the village. Ryo drools at the sight of every building)

Heero: I really hope you can control yourself, Ryo.

Ryo: I’ll try...but if I don't eat something soon I think I'm going to start gnawing on one of those toadstool people.

(They pass by a house)

Ryo: (Reads sign on house) "Toad house. Cleanse your body, mind, and wallet. $12." …Interesting motto.

(They pass by a store. They enter. There is a wide selection of classic Mario items, such as fire flowers, Super mushrooms, turnips, stars, POW blocks, etc)

Heero: Fire flower? What the hell is this?

Toad behind counter: It shoots fire. It's usually used as a weapon.

Heero: Hm.

Ryo: Alright! Mushrooms! How much are they? I'm starved!

Toad: Well, I guess you CAN eat them, but they're usually used as starship fuel.

(Silence)

Ryo: ...how much?

Toad: $12.

Ryo: Hmm...

Trowa: We can't afford anything, so let's just go.

(They leave)

Ryo: Hey, what's that castle? (points to large castle in background)

Some toad on the street: That's Princess Peach's castle. She's the ruler of this land.

Ryo: What about Frieza?

Toad: Oh, she answers to him, but we try to get out of paying his taxes. It's worked so far!

Ryo: ...I'd recommend you stop that REALLY soon. You don't want trouble from Frieza.

Toad: We don't have to worry. Mario can protect us!

Ryo: Who’s Mario? Another super being?

Toad: He’s the guy in the red overalls you met when you came.

(Gang bursts into quick fit of laughter)

Ryo: Ha ha...oh wait, you were serious.

(Before Toad can respond, they hear a loud explosion. They turn to see Bowser approaching from the land of fire and death)

Bowser: I'm here to take over this town and capture your princess!

(Everyone looks at him for a second, shrugs, then continues about their daily business)

Bowser: Hello! I said I'm here to-

Toad: We heard you the first time!

Bowser: Doesn’t anybody care!?

People: (Negative mummers)

(Bowser ignites a few buildings)

Bowser: Now do you care!?

Toads: It's been done!

Bowser: Nndaaa!!!!

(About now, Mario arrives)

Mario: I'm-a so sorry, Bowser, but I'm afraid you'sa have’a to leave.

Bowser: Have I done this so many times that you won't even fight me anymore?

Mario: Pretty much'a. You should'a really get a hobby.

Bowser: Grrrr! Attack!

(Koopa troopas attack Mario. Mario demonstrates vast martial skill in dispatching them all)

Mario: Now'a you just run along.

Bowser: Ha! You've just defeated my minions! You're no match for me!

Mario: (Yawn) Could'a we get this over with? I have a date’a with'a de princess.

(The alarm sounds)

Mario: Oh no! De Pokemon are'a comin'! Get'a my fire flower! To arms! To arms!!!

(The gang looks toward the horizon. In all directions, all that is visible is a large black cloud. Upon closer inspection, the cloud is actually a swarm of various pokemon, slowly approaching)

Ryo: Uh oh. Looks like we're in for a real fight!

Trowa: We'd better get our gundams.

Heero: Mm. (nods head)

(Heero and Trowa run to the ship and go into Dr. J's lab)

Heero: Dr. J, there's a huge army of pokemon outside. Have you got any weapons of mass destruction for us?

Dr. J: None today, sorry.

Heero: What?

Dr. J: Sorry, no weapons today.

Heero: How can that be? We were positive you'd been building an arsenal of incredible power.

Dr. J: No, I've been working on things that don't really do anything. Like this pencil! (Holds up cantaloupe)

Heero: ...um...whatever. Do the gundams still work?

Dr. J: They should.

Heero: Great. You stay here and see if you can find something to help us.

(Heero and Trowa get in their gundams and take off)

Trowa: There's so many of them! They must be spawning from portals surrounding the town.

Heero: Our only option is to fly straight through to the portals and stop their regeneration. We'll just have to hope Dr. J's shields hold out until we get there.

Trowa: We're relying on Dr. J?

Heero: I'm scared too.

(They pass over Ryo, who has donned his armor and stands ready to demolish the masses. Mario and Bowser seem to have put their battle on hold and have teamed up to counter this new threat. Luigi bursts out of a hut, flailing a large butcher knife, shouting "I KILLA YOU ALL!!!" and runs toward the mass. The toads are lined up with ray guns)

Heero: Incoming enemies. Get ready.

Trowa: A few well placed bombs would wipe them out pretty quick.

Heero: Wouldn't work; the psychic ones might disarm them before they hit the ground, or send them back at us.

Trowa: Damn.

Heero: Turn your shield on Trowa. We'll definitely need it to get through there.

Trowa: Roger that.

(They fly through the crowd at top speed, killing adjacent pokemon as they pass. They begin a barrage of fire. Heero uses his beam sword and shoulder guns. Trowa uses the many guns on Heavy Arms. The pokemon retaliate with a blurring storm of lightning, fire, acid, rock, plants, ice, water, and physical blows. Their shields prevent 3% of the attacks)

Heero (on communicator): Dr. J, we're getting torn apart! Your shield sucks!

Dr. J: Reconfigure the shield harmonics to a rotating frequency.

Heero: Great idea. What the hell are you talking about!!!???

Dr. J: Push the red button!

Heero: That's the missile button!

Dr. J: Exactly!

Heero: I don't have any! We can't afford missiles!!!

Dr. J: Oh...then I'm afraid I'll have to recommend self-detonation.

Heero: Just tell me what you were saying about the shields!

Dr. J: Oh, if the frequency of your shields were constantly changing, much fewer attacks would penetrate, but don't mind that. Without missiles, you're doomed.

Heero: ...well, ya know Dr. J, shielding is exactly what I need right now.

Dr. J: Really?

Heero: Trowa, did you get that?

Trowa: Yes, but how the hell do we do it?

Heero: Dr. J?

Dr. J: Push the green button in the center of the shield console!

Heero: Roger that.

(They press the green button. Their shields begin to change colors randomly. They block 87% of the attacks)

Heero: Much better.

(They continue to fly through the seemingly endless crowd of pokemon. Meanwhile, Ryo and the toads are having problems of their own)

Ryo: Flare up now!!!

(Ryo sends a wave of fire through the crowd, but is surrounded on all other sides)

Ryo: Man, this sucks! There's way too many to hold off! This reminds me of a bad game of space invaders I once played. It won't be long before they reach the town and the ship. Heero! Hurry up and take out those portals!

(Heero and Trowa get through the army and arrive on the other side of the portals. There are humans sitting back by the portals, watching the carnage, drinking booze)

Heero: Cowards.

(Heero slices the officers’ vehicles in half, killing them all)

Trowa: The army stretches for about a 50 miles radius around the town. My sensors show there should be about 300 portals spaced about one mile apart.

Heero: (glances around as the army turns around to meet them) That might be too many for us to take, ...but we'll just get as many as we can. You go counter clockwise; I'll go the other way.

Trowa: Roger.

(They fly off, destroying the portals they pass. Even though they're behind the army, they still sustain significant damage from the ones who notice them)

Heero: Damn! My shields are wearing out! I’m not gonna make it.

(Heero's shield suddenly gives out and he is shot down by an ice beam. His gundam lies frozen on the ground. The army begins to surround him. Heero sees his death is imminent)

Heero: Relena...

(As the pokemon draw closer, ready to deal the final blow, a clowny music approaches from the direction of town. Several beams of energy and spinning sharp objects fly by Heero and through the pokemon)

Heero: ...what the hell?

(An army of madly dancing clowns parades its way through the crowd, leaving a carnate mess)

Trowa: Heero, are you seeing what I'm seeing?

Heero: Clowns?

Trowa: Yep.

Heero: Dr. J...for once I'm actually GLAD we keep him around.

Trowa: I told you he still had uses.

(The army of mad clowns dances single file out of the ship. Although their numbers pale in comparison to the pokemons’, they are far more powerful, and swiftly rip through them. When they finish their job, they self-detonate, revealing that they are robots. Trowa hauls Heero's gundam back to town for their congratulations)

(During the following conversation, Luigi is running around in the background, chasing the one or two remaining pokemon and decimating their corpses. He uses the following things: knife, axe, crowbar, aluminum bat, flaming gas bottle, lamppost, sword, gun, boulder, and his fists)

Mario: A’we cannot thank'a you enough! You saved our'a kingdom!

Trowa: Don't mention it. We're just doing our part to stop the pokemon.

Peach: We must thank you in some way. Mario told me you are in need of fuel?

Trowa: Yes, we are.

Ryo: And food! Please say you have food! Lots and lots of food!!!

Peach: Yes, he told me you wanted some mushrooms. These should hold you until your victory banquet tonight.

(A toad approaches carrying a crate of assorted mushrooms)

Ryo: (falls to knees drooling) You are a goddess!

Peach: I'll also give you some of our best starship fuel, the ultrashroom!

Trowa: We graciously accept your thanks, but we won't be able to attend your banquet.

Peach: Are you sure? We'll be serving mushroom pasta!

Ryo: What the hell is wrong with you, Trowa? We're the guests of honor. What would the banquet be without us? Besides, SHE'S OFFERING US A FREE MEAL, AND WE HAVEN'T EATEN IN DAYS!!!

Trowa: Well...I suppose we have time...

Peach: And where is that wonderful person who made all those robotic clowns that saved us?

Heero: I'm afraid he won't be attending. He has far too much work to do.

Peach: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Heero: Don't be.

Peach: Oh...well then, let's be off! I insist that you stay the night at the castle!

Heero: (glances at Luigi who is bludgeoning things) Uh…is he about done?

(Luigi runs off screen, runs back on screen with a beach umbrella, and impales a dead pikachu. The umbrella opens, pushing him flat on his back)

Mario: A’Yes.

(They attend the banquet and spend the night at the castle. In the morning, they bid their hosts farewell, and take off)

Heero: Dr. J, where did you get all those clowns?

Dr. J: I built them!

Heero: I thought you said you didn't have any weapons to help us.

Dr. J: They're not exactly weapons. They're more like kazi soldiers.

Heero: Why didn't I notice a huge army of clowns in your lab?

Dr. J: Because I condensed them into this cube (holds up cube of condensed clowns). It fits into the back of this 3 speed blender!

Heero: I see...well, our gundams sustained heavy damage, so get to work repairing them!

Dr. J: But there are so many more weapons I could make for yo-

Heero: Now!

Dr. J: Aw...