Chapter 30.5

(An insignificant event we didn’t tell you about)

(Scene opens at noon on the gang’s ship. They are enjoying an event they haven’t had for a long time: a meal in front of the T.V. watching The Snipe Show. A sniper stands in front of the camera. He scratches himself. He shrugs. He target practices on the wall behind him. He contemplates his existence. He eats lunch. The end)

Heero: What the hell was that?

Announcer: We would like to point out that the writers of this show were high during the making of this episode and are currently in rehab. In the meantime, the snipers will be writing the new episodes. Thank you.

(Dr. J exits from the cockpit)

Dr. J: Guys, there’s something you should see.

Heero: How did you get in the cockpit?

Dr. J: Don’t worry about that now. Just come take a look.

(They follow him to the cockpit)

Heero: (looking out window) What the hell is that?

Trowa: The ship has no data on it…or anything else for that matter. Why did I even check?

Dr. J: Don’t bother us with your problems, Trowa!

Heero: You bother us with yours all the time.

Dr. J: Well that’s a special privilege granted to me because I’m insane!

Trowa: …So what should we do?

Ryo: [in full wildfire armor] Let’s shoot it!

(They fire a laser at the huge black ball. It shatters, revealing a black cylindrical object, laced with strange golden ribbons)

Ryo: …that’s weird. I say we check it out. We’ve got nothing better to do anyway.

(They fly into the cylinder. After passing through a portal-like passage, they arrive at a dock. Heero, Ryo, and Trowa disembark)

Trowa: What is this place?

Heero: Only one way to find out. Let’s explore.

(Suddenly, they are each teleported to separate prison cells)

Ryo: What the…guys? Can you hear me?

(Ryo searches the cell)

Ryo: Where the hell am I…well, I’m not staying!

(Ryo cuts the bars to pieces and walks down the hall. At an intersection, he comes across a young boy)

Jim: Ah! Who are you?

Ryo: I’m Ryo.

Jim: How did you get here?

Ryo: My friends and I were passing by on our ship, and decided to take a look.

Jim: …no. You’re not real! (turns to sky) Is this another test!? Huh?! Well I’m not falling for it!

(Jim runs down the hall. Ryo chases after him. Elsewhere…)

Heero: Hmm…

(Heero bangs on the bars and gets a shock)

Heero Damn! Looks like I’ll have to wait.

(And wait he does! Two minutes later, a man walks by and notices him)

Gene: Hey, who are you? And how’d you get in there?

Heero: My name is Heero Yuy, and I was transported here. Where are we?

Gene: Welcome to The Galactic Leyline, the most meaningless hellhole in the universe.

Heero: …so why are you here?

(Scene flashes to Trowa talking to Aisha)

Aisha: Well ya see, this thing used to grant wishes, so we came looking for it. But when we got here, we discovered that The Joining screwed it up.

Trowa: How’s that?

(Scene flashes to Ryo, whom has caught Jim and calmed him down)

Jim: Now it makes cheap beer to sell in exchange for better beer! When we got here, it caught us and forced us to perform meaningless chores for its amusement.

Ryo: You’re slaves?!

(Scene changes to Heero)

Gene: Yeah! We can’t even kill ourselves! It makes us immortal while we’re in here.

(Scene changes)

Aisha: Oh yeah, and it captured our friend Melphina, and has been using her as an energy source, or something.

(Scene switches)

Ryo: Wow…that’s sad.

(Scene switches)

Heero: But do you think you could let me out of here now?

Gene: Sorry, I don’t think The Leyline wants me to. It’s probably gonna plant an obedience device in your head and make you work like us.

Heero: Maybe I could help you escape.

(Scene moves to Trowa)

Aisha: How would YOU stop the Leyline when I, the mighty Aisha, failed?

Trowa: I have a friend here with mystical power that could destroy planets. I think he can take this ship.

Aisha: Hmm…alright, I’m willing to try. But he’d better be as strong as you say.

(Scene changes again)

Ryo: Don’t worry. I’ll get you out of here. Now let’s find my friends.

Jim: They’re probably in other cells. Follow me!

(They run off. Elsewhere…)

Gene: Alright, stand back!

(Gene takes out his gun and 2 shells)

Gene: My last two casters…I’ve been saving them for a good chance to escape. Well, I guess it’s now or never!

(Gene loads his gun and fires an energy blast at the lock. It melts)

Gene: Let’s go!

Heero: (drooling) …where did you get that gun?

Gene: Sent away for it. Now come on!

(They run down a hallway similar to the one Ryo is in)

Aisha: Stand aside!

(Aisha tears the door of its hinges)

Trowa: …whoa.

Aisha: Meh. It’s nothing. (grabs Trowa by the collar) But if this little escape plan doesn’t work and the Leyline punishes me, you’re my ***** for the next eternity, got it!!!??

Trowa: (worried) Uh, yeah! Don’t worry! Ryo can handle it!

Aisha: He’d better…

(They run down yet another hallway. All of them end up meeting at an intersection)

Ryo: Guys! You’re alright!

Heero: We have to get out of here! Do you know the way to the docking bay?

Gene: Nope.

Aisha: Uh…no.

Jim: Haven’t a clue.

Trowa: …maybe we should have thought this out for more than 15 seconds…

(They suddenly find themselves surrounded from all sides. In one hall, little harmless looking guard robots rove up. In another, robotic foot soldiers march up with plasma rifles. In the last, an 8-foot cybernetic black bear storms toward them)

Jim: Now what?

Gene: We fight!

(Ryo runs at the soldiers and pretty much annihilates them in 3 seconds, Gene fires his last caster at the little robots, and Aisha transforms into a tiger and kills the bear)

Ryo: Gee. That was…pathetic. You should have tried escaping earlier.

Gene: You haven’t seen anything yet.

(Suddenly, a screen displaying the Leyline’s face materializes before them)

Leyline: Fools! You shall pay for your disobedience!

(Gene, Jim, and Aisha get shocked from the devices planted inside them, and fall to the ground)

Ryo: Let them go! Flare up now!!!

(Ryo attacks the screen. It passes through and makes a big hole in the ship)

Leyline: How dare you!!!?

(The walls around them come alive, and begin blasting Ryo with energy. He falls to his knees)

Leyline: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa!!!! Now you shall all become my slaves! Bow before me humans, and tremble! Ahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa!!!!!!

(The screen suddenly begins to lose its hold)

Leyline: Warning! Warning! Leyline under attack! Losing…control…going…insane…

(The face contorts and becomes Dr. J)

Dr. J: Hi everyone!

Gene: What…the…

Heero: How is it you always take something bad in the universe and find a way to make it into something much, much worse?

Dr. J: Oh, I think you’ll like this one Heero!

Heero: I doubt that highly.

Dr. J: Well you see, I hacked into the Leyline and changed its function! Now instead of brewing beer, its sole purpose it to make this man’s life a living hell!

(Screen shows some guy)

Heero: Who’s that?

Dr. J: I don’t know. He hasn’t been born yet. But when he is, this thing will make his life miserable!!!…for five minutes. Then the batteries will run out.

Aisha: Can we leave now?

Dr. J: Yes.

Aisha: Then goodbye!

Gene: How can we ever thank you?

Heero: You can give me that gun (drools over gun).

Gene: Uh…no. But thanks all the same!

(They get Melphina and leave. The gang returns to the ship)

Ryo: Man, that was close!

Trowa: Yeah. And who’d have thought Dr. J would save us?

Heero: Yeah. I guess the imminent danger caused him to go temporarily sane…sort of.

Dr. J: Yes, that was rather heroic of me, wasn’t it? Does this mean you’ll let me out more often?

Heero: No. Now get to work on something useful.

Dr. J: Aw…