(The madness must end)
(Scene opens in a courtroom.)
Goku: This court is now in session for The People vs. Dr. J. The honorable judge Ass Katchum now presiding.
Ash: That’s Ash!
Goku: Oh, sorry. The honorable judge Ash Katchum now presiding. All rise.
(Ash enters and sits at the podium)
Ash: Ok, uh, now we hear from each side, right?
(Silence)
Ash: Ok, let’s hear from that guy (points to Duo)
Duo: Thank you your honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I intend to prove, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that Dr. J is completely and utterly insane, a danger to all creation if you will, and as such must be locked away for the remainder of time. In fact, I’m so confident that I’ll win, that I’m gonna waste the remainder of my time by standing up here and slowly eating animal crackers.
(Pulls out box of animal crackers and begins eating. Jeopardy theme begins playing.)
Ash: Ok, we get the point!
Duo: (mouth full of cracker) Hey, I’ve still got two minutes left.
Ash: Bailiff!
(Goku begins charging ki blast)
Duo: Aah!
(Duo runs to his seat.)
Ash: Ok, now the scary looking guy in the white coat. He’s the defendant, right?
Goku: How should I know? I’ve never done this either.
Ash: Oh well. You come take your turn now.
Dr. J: My attorney will take care of that. (presses button)
(A tiny clown car burst through the door and crashes into the podium. A clown steps out of the back door)
Clown: (honk, honk. Bicycle horn, bicycle horn, honk. Ding ding, buzz, duck call, siren, honk, honk, cherry bomb)
Ash: Uh…yeah…ok, now the Prosecution is supposed to call a witness or something.
Duo: Yeah, just a minute.
(Finishes crackers)
Duo: Ok. For my first witness, I call to the stand Mr. Ryo Sanada!
(Ryo rises)
Ash: You may take the stand.
(Ryo takes the stand)
Duo: Please state you name for the court.
Ryo: Didn’t they just announce it?
Duo: Yeah, but you gotta say it again.
Ryo: Oh. Ok. Ryo Sanada.
Duo: Ok Mr. Sanada, tell us about how you met Dr. J and how you’d describe him.
Ryo: Well, Heero and I had just been attacked by a Pokemon radical, so we went to the city to find out what was going on. Everyone was dead except for Dr. J, and I’m still not convinced that he had nothing to do with that.
Dr. J: Objection! The records clearly state that the planet was destroyed by Pokemon, not me!
Ash: Sounds good.
Ryo: He said he couldn’t remember anything before two months earlier, and that he’d been working there building things for someone, but he didn’t know who or why. There didn’t seem to be any sign that the place had been visited by anyone but Dr. J for years. I’m not sure whether he was lying, or just crazy.
Duo: What about his behavior?
Ryo: Well, he never really hurt any of us, but he always seemed ready to.
Duo: And what was the first time you noticed this ‘criminally insane’ tendency?
Ryo: Well it was on the beach planet, when he stole that police car and…say, I never finished paying you back for that Mia thing.
(Cracks knuckles)
Duo: (Nervous) Uh, prosecution rests!
(Duo hurries back and hides behind his chair)
Ash: Defense, you may begin your cross examination of the…what’s this word (points to script)?
Goku: Witness.
Ash: Oh, ok. Well, you heard him already. Go ahead.
(Clown approaches Ryo)
Clown: (Frolics and turns to Ryo for response)
Ryo: …um…
Clown: (slaps the table impatiently)
Ryo: Diiid anyone get that?
Dr. J: He asked what your profession is!
Ryo: Oh. I’m a mystical warrior.
(Clown turns away, points his rubber nose in the air, and puts his hand out in a rejecting motion. Clown returns to its seat)
Ash: I guess that means the defense rests. So, now…uh…right, next witness!
(Ryo leaves)
Duo: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury (but especially ladies…), I call-
Dr. J: Hey! Don’t I get to call a witness?
Duo: Quiet lunatic! Everyone knows the plaintiff gets two witnesses before the defendant gets any!
Ash: Uh…right.
Duo: And so, without further interruption from any nameless psychos, I call Ms. Washuu Hakubi to the stands!
(Washuu rises)
Ash: You may approach the bench...bench? That doesn’t sound right…oh well, come up.
Washuu: Thanks, but I’d rather just float around.
(Floats upside-down above the stand)
Duo: Please state your name for the court.
Washuu: Washuu Hakubi. But you can call me Lil’ Washuu, cutie!
Duo: I’d like to waive that right.
Ash: I’ll allow it.
Duo: So Washuu, tell us how you met the defendant.
Washuu: Well, his friends needed a place to rest for the night, so Tenchi, being the naïve and giving person he is, let them stay. And during the night, while I was repairing my Dimension Tuner, he snuck into my lab and offered to help.
Duo: And could you describe Dr. J’s behavior while he was with you?
Washuu: He’s nuts! A complete wacko! He makes ME look like Al Gore!!! I mean, the man hit me over the head with a bottle of chloroform!
Washuu Puppet1: Yeah!
Washuu Puppet2: Praise Washuu!…I mean, it’s true! True!
Dr. J: Objection! Those puppets were not called to the stand!
Ash: Bailiff, remove the puppets.
Washuu: (turns right side up) NO! LEAVE THEM ALONE!
(Puppets flee screaming)
Duo: …so anyway, you see my friends? This man, who is reported to have the intelligence and talent to construct machines of unfathomable complexity, chose to use the bottle rather than the chemical inside to subdue this woman. Not only is that the paragon of madness, it’s a clear expression of outward violence! I submit to you that you have no choice but to declare this man completely INSANE!
(Slaps ‘INSANE’ sticker on Dr. J’s forehead)
Mickey Mouse: Hey! I object! That sticker designates the defendant as insane, and that has yet to be determined! Huhuh.
Ash: Yeah, but I think it looks neat. Besides, I don’t think the audience is supposed to object. The sticker stays!
Duo: The prosecution rests. And with gusto, I might add.
Ash: The clown may cross-examine the witness.
(Clown approaches Washuu)
Clown: (honk, bottle smash, juggle, juggle, shoe slap. Clowny tune, rubber duck, bubble, bubble, honk, slapstick. Pause.)
(Clown approaches Dr. J)
Dr. J: What? No, I will not pay you now! Get back to work you natural impossibility!
(Clown returns to Washuu)
Clown: (Bicycle horn, honk, tape recording of Bob Dole, crowd cheering, honk, honk, walrus bark. Pause. Splat, honk, fish-slap, fish-slap, aluminum rod. Dramatic pause. Honk, record skip, dance, dance, honk, cartwheel, summersault, land, pose.)
Washuu: Uh…sure, whatever.
(Clown turns to jury)
Clown: (Honk, honk, noise maker, slide whistle, honk. Glass shatter, car accident, steel drum solo, guitar, guitar, honk, duck call, burn, drink. Yellow, pencil snap, air horn, clap, clap, honk. Oink, snarl, engine rev, honk, beep, dink, tear. Pause. Alarm clock, electric can opener, boop. Choir, honk, apocalypse, honk, honk. Five minutes of Revolution 9. Kazoo tune, woman’s scream, balloon animal)
(Clown presents balloon animal to jury)
Duo: Objection! The defense is trying to bribe the jury with balloon animals!
Ash: Nah, he’s just presenting it to them for their approval. Overruled!
Clown: (Confirming double honk)
Vegeta: Agh! I can’t take anymore of this! Silence clown!
(Blows up clown/lawyer)
Dr. J: Hey! He blew up my attorney!
Goku: Vegeta, you can’t just go killing things! It’s disruptive to the-
Vegeta: You be quiet too, Kakarot! Don’t make me come down there!
Ash: I’m gonna allow this. Dr. J, you have five minutes to find another defense lawyer.
Dr. J: Oh, never mind. I’ll do it myself.
(Dr. J approaches Washuu)
Dr. J: Now Washuu, could you tell us just what the purpose of the aforementioned Dimension Tuner was?
Washuu: You should know! You’re the one who screwed it up!
Dr. J: Hey hey, I’m not the one on trial here!
Washuu: Yes yo-
Dr. J: Just answer the question!
Duo: Objection! Dr. J is confusing us all!
Ash: Huh? Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.
Washuu: …well, it was designed to create an alternate dimension based on the specifications given, so in essence it made dreams come true.
Dr. J: And isn’t it true that on past occasions the device in question sent you and your friends spiraling through possible universes for days?
Washuu: Yes, but I-
Dr. J: And yet you rebuilt it?
Washuu: Well-
Dr. J: And isn’t it true that you left that bottle of chloroform in my lab with the sole expectation that I would use it on you?!
Washuu: Yeah, but I never thought that you’d-
Dr. J: AHA! I declare this woman to be just as crazy as I am! Bailiff, take her away!
Goku: Uh…should I?
Ash: Yeah, go ahead.
(Goku drags Washuu away)
Washuu: I’ll get you for this!!! You hear me you lunatic!? I’ll make you pay!!!
Dr. J: Ahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa!!!!…defense rests.
Ash: Yeah, well don’t bother sitting down. It’s your turn to call a witness.
Dr. J: Very well! For my first witness, I call Dr. Ivo Robotnik to the stand!
(Dr. Robotnik rises)
Ash: Take the stand.
(Robotnik sits)
Dr. J: Please state your name for the court.
Robotnik: Dr. Ivo Robotnik.
Dr. J: Now doctor, you met the defendant during the Pokemon wars, correct?
Robotnik: Actually, I’m not sure that we ever really met.
Dr. J: Yes, that may be true, but isn’t it true that you examined his work?
Robotnik: Yes, he donated some of his weapons to help us battle the Pokemon.
Ash: What?! You killed my Pokemon?! Bailiff, arrest this man!
Goku: Uh, I-
Dr. J: That’s it! This boy is clearly too incompetent to oversee these hearings. He allowed my attorney to be killed, a witness to be disposed of, and besides that, he’s supposed to be dead! I demand a new judge!
Ash: Hey, you can’t do that!
Goku: Actually, it says here that he can.
Ash: What?!
(Goku drags Ash out the doors screaming. A gunshot is heard. Goku reenters)
Goku: Now presiding, the honorable judge Zarbon.
(Zarbon enters)
Zarbon: Alright, let’s get this show on the…why is there a clown car embedded in my podium?
Dr. J: I’ll take care of that!
(Dr. J presses button. Car explodes)
Zarbon: …why is my podium on fire?
Dr. J: A car just exploded on it! I declare this judge to be blind! I want another one!
Goku: Sorry, the book says you can only do that once every 3 hours.
Dr. J: Blast it!
Zarbon: …ok, I have a feeling this is going to be short and sweet. Where did you all leave off?
Dr. J: I was questioning my witness.
Zarbon: Alright then, carry on.
Dr. J: (Returns to Robotnik) Now as we were saying, as an expert at building weapons of massive death, how would you describe the devices that Dr. J gave you?
Robotnik: The craftsmanship was superb! And after examining the design aspects, I was completely blown away by the insane level of detail on every piece! Heck, I can’t even figure out how some of them are physically possible! Whoever this Dr. J is, he’s defiantly a genius!
Dr. J: There you have it ladies and gentlemen of the jury. A genius, proclaimed by one of the greatest minds of our time. And, to quote some madman, aren’t all geniuses a little bit insane?…Defense rests.
(Dr. J sits down)
Zarbon: The prosecution may begin its cross-examination.
(Duo confidently approaches Robotnik, paces around dramatically, then speaks)
Duo: Now, Dr. Robotnik, isn’t it true that you’re the fascist ruler of a small country called Robotnikland?
Robotnik: Well, I used to be, but people kept mistaking it for an amusement park, so I eventually sold it to Disney.
Mickey Mouse: That was you?! You little bastard! We lost millions on that deal! Get ‘im boys!
(An army of Disney lawyers carrying briefcases and assault rifles storms the courtroom and charges at Robotnik.)
Zarbon: Order!
(The lawyers mysteriously explode)
Mickey Mouse: Um…we’ll be back!
(Scurries out of room mumbling demented half-made plans)
Zarbon: Now let’s have no more of that. Oh, Goku, I won’t be needing you. Go take a seat with the jury.
Goku: But they scare me.
Zarbon: SIT!
Goku: Aw…
(Goku sits cautiously next to a pantless red guy sharpening a buck knife. Red guy turns and grins. Goku cowers)
Duo: …yeah. And isn’t it true that you’ve been convicted on several charges including attempted mass-homicide, destruction of military property, kidnapping, mind control, theft of government property, conspiracy, and attempted mass genocide?! (slams table dramatically.)
Robotnik: Well yes, but I don’t see what-
Duo: Prosecution rests. And now I will dance.
(Begins victory dance)
Zarbon: The prosecution will stop dancing, unless it would like to lose the use of its legs.
(Duo stops poutingly)
Zarbon: The witness may step down.
(Robotnik returns to his seat)
Zarbon: The prosecution may call its next witness.
Duo: Thank you your honor. If it pleases the court, I will now call my surprise witness!
(Dramatic music flares. Duo poses)
Duo: I call Mr. Heero Yuy to the stands!
(Heero enters)
Zarbon: The witness may take the stands.
(Heero sits)
Duo: Yo Heero, what’s up!
Heero: …Duo…
Duo: What? Oh right! Please state you name for the court.
Heero: Heero Yuy.
Duo: Ok Heero. Tell us-
Dr. J: WHO SAID THAT!?
(Pause)
Dr. J: …oh…never mind.
Zarbon: …continue.
Duo: Yes, uh, tell us about Dr. J.
Heero: Well, he’s clearly insane. He builds things that are either made to wipe out all life, or have no purpose at all. There are times when he seems to defy the laws of physics in an almost comical, yet unnerving way. While I’ve never actually seen him hurt anyone who wasn’t posing him an immediate threat, I’m almost certain he has.
Duo: I object!
Zarbon: To what? He’s your witness!
Duo: Oh right.
Heero: …how did you become the attorney representing the entire universe?
Duo: Money.
Heero: Hm.
Dr. J: Hi Heero!
Zarbon: Silence! I’ll have…why is that man wearing a sticker labeled ‘INSANE’?
Duo: I believe that’s rather obvious.
Zarbon: Whatever. Just continue.
(Zarbon takes out a gameboy)
Duo: Ok Heero, just one last question…did you bring anything to eat? Those crackers weren’t enough.
Heero: …I only feel the need to restate my previous question.
Duo: Guess that’s a no, huh?
Heero: Yeah.
Duo: Ok, prosecution rests.
(Duo returns to his seat and goes to sleep)
Zarbon: (hand against his face) The defense may question the witness.
Heero: Oh God.
Dr. J: Hi Heero!
Heero: Just get this over with.
Dr. J: Isn’t it funny? Normally I’M the one who’s trapped under gunpoint.
Zarbon: Please stop socializing with the witness.
Dr. J: Oh, very well. Heero, would you say that you’re a happy man?
Heero: What?
Dr. J: And do you think I should have worn a suit to my court debut?
Duo: (waking up) Wha? Ub, uh, objection!
Zarbon: …yes?
Duo: Huh?…uh, I forget.
Zarbon: Ugh. Resume.
Dr. J: And how many pages are in this book!
(Holds up book labeled Exhibit B)
Heero: …your honor?
Zarbon: If you make me look away from this game screen again, I doubt either of you will survive.
Dr. J: Ok, now for some sensible questions! Heero, why do you hate me so?
Heero: Because you make my life miserable. You force me to keep a constant watch on you to prevent you from killing people.
Dr. J: But you yourself have said that I’m mostly harmless, and that you’ve never seen me kill without reason. Why should you feel the need to keep me locked up?
Heero: Because I’m afraid you’ll start inventing reasons. That, and your ‘harmless’ mischief has a tendency to be potentially cataclysmic.
Dr. J: A potential?! I hardly see that as reason to devote one’s entire life to the caretaking of one eccentric scientist!
Heero: …since when do you try to make sense?
Dr. J: Well Heero, I’ve actually been quite sane this whole time. I just acted crazy to throw off all our enemies. That, and it’s fun being delightfully mad! It prevents you from actually going insane. I recall recommending it to you one day before the joining.
Heero: …what?
Dr. J: Ok, back to the random! How many mushrooms did Ryo eat the day we left Titania?
Heero: Uh…none. We had almost no food for the whole trip.
Dr. J: Exactly! And if we had so little food, how could I invent these alleged ‘weapons of cataclysmic mischief’ if you never fed me to begin with?
Heero: Well, I don’t know Dr. J, but there they are.
(Points to pile of weapons labeled ‘Exhibit A’)
Dr. J: Oh goody! My weapons!
(Dr. J rushes toward the pile. Zarbon stops him)
Zarbon: (puts away gameboy) Ok, that’s all for the defense.
Dr. J: But I still have more questions-
Zarbon: I said defense rests! Call your next witness!
(Heero sits down)
Dr. J: I also have a surprise witness! I call to the stands (reaches into coat pocket) this aluminum rod!!!
Zarbon: …the rod may take the bench.
Duo: I object!
Zarbon: Really, this can only help your case.
Duo: …withdrawn.
(Dr. J places rod on stand)
Dr. J: Now Mr. Rod, where did Dr. J purchase you?
(Pause)
Dr. J: That’s right! He didn’t purchase you! He molded you himself! And why did he do that?
(pause)
Dr. J: Well spoken, Mr. Rod…what’s that you say? You’d like me to mold you into a weapon? Well ok!
(Gunshot flies by Dr. J)
Dr. J: Aha! That man has demonstrated atrociously uncourtly manner! I demand that he be placed in front of the room for me to pester for the remainder of the proceedings!
Zarbon: No. And I thought this place had metal detectors!
Heero: Dr. J built them.
Dr. J: Metal detector? I thought they said squirrel eradicator!
(Squirrel runs in and vanishes in a puff of smoke)
Dr. J: Ha! NOW let’s see you pelt me with acorns!…oh, uh, defense rests.
Zarbon: …Would the prosecution care to humor us?
(Duo gets up and paces before the podium, trying to come up with something witty)
Duo: Mr. Rod…hey, this thing’s not made of aluminum. It’s cheese!
(Takes a bite)
Dr. J: Hey! He’s eating my witness!
Zarbon: The prosecution will refrain from ingesting the witness.
Duo: Aw, but I’m hungry.
Zarbon: And I’m annoyed! Deal with it!
Duo: Can’t you call a recess or something?…Mmm…Reese’s…
Zarbon: Shut up! I’ve had it! This nonsense has gone on long enough! Now while Lord Frieza is all in favor of the judicial system, this is obviously a waste of all our time! This man is clearly out of his mind, and here we are entertaining him with this insult of a trial!!! For something like this to exist, there must be a serious problem somewhere in our government!
(Doors explode)
Frieza: Now now, Zarbon, let’s not be too impatient. Even a man whose guilt is as clear as this one’s has the right to a fair and, overall, speedy trial. Now let’s stop wasting my empire’s time and money on this formality and get on with it.
Zarbon: Uh, of course Master Frieza. We’ll hear from one more witness and that’s it.
Duo: Hey, I’ve still got-
Zarbon: Silence! We’ve heard enough out of you today!
Dr. J: Yes! In fact, I move that all of his statements be stricken from the record.
Zarbon: You’d like us to remove the prosecution from the record entirely?
Dr. J: Yes.
Zarbon: And sadly enough, I doubt it would make a difference anyway. Prosecution, call your last witness!
Duo: Uh…right. For my final witness, I call to the stands, DR. J!!! (dramatic pointing stance)
(Sourceless gasps)
Zarbon: You may approach the stands.
(Dr. J sits down)
Duo: Please state your name for the court.
Dr. J: Dr. J.
Duo: And what does the ‘J’ stand for?
Dr. J: Nobody cares.
Duo: I see. Dr. J, isn’t it true that you’re insane, and that this trial is just another way to amuse your twisted mind?
Dr. J: No! My mind is NOT twisted! It’s merely rotated a delightful three quarters!
Duo: I see.
Dr. J: No you don’t! None of you see! You’re all blind! Blind to the magic and whimsy of my wonderful world!!! But I’ll show you! Someday I’ll show you all!!!
Zarbon: Order! This is a courtroom, not a circus!
Dr. J: Then why do I see clowns!?
(Clowns storm the courtroom, emanating circus music.)
Zarbon: RRRAAAA!!! Goku, remove the clowns!
(The clowns fail to be removed by the lack of Goku)
Zarbon: …hey…where’s Goku?…where’s the damn jury!?
Luigi (in jury box): Thheeeeeey’sa sneak out.
Zarbon: AAAGH!…well, why are you still here?
Luigi: I’ma fell asleep.
Zarbon: GRRRAAA!
(Clowns explode)
Zarbon: Finish this up before I lose my temper!
Duo: Right. Dr. J, isn’t it true that you mounted an assault on a radio station and pirated the airwaves for a whole day?
Dr. J: No, no, that was Dr. K.
Duo: Really? Then perhaps you’d like to explain THIS!
(Duo poses, and taped conversation begins playing from nowhere.)
Radio voice: Say hey, to tiki tiki Dr. J!
Caller1: Hey Dr. J. I need some advice. My girlfriend left me, and I’m feeling really down. All of my friends say that I should start dating again, but it just doesn’t feel right. What do you think?
Dr. J: Well Jimmy, these friends are obviously in league against you. They’re trying to get you to date so you’ll leave your house more often, then they’ll lay their traps for you!
Caller1: What? I don’t think-
Dr. J: Problem solved! Next caller! Say hey to Dr. J!
Caller2: Hey Dr. J, I’ve got a problem. You see, these crazy women from outer space crash-landed on my property, and they’ve all fallen in love with me. If I tell them to leave, I’m afraid they’ll kill me. What should I do?
Dr. J: Well have you tried inducing nuclear fusion yet?
Tenchi: What? Um, no?
Caller3: Hey Dr. J, I’ve got a weird problem. There’s this guy who follows me everywhere I go. He never comes up to me; he just sort of lurks in the shadows. I’m not sure what he wants, and it’s kinda scaring me. What should I do?
Dr. J: This man is obviously a leprechaun! Next time you see him, grab him and demand his pot of gold! Problem solved, next caller! Say hey to Dr. J!
Caller4: Hey Dr. J, my shoes are broken.
Dr. J: Too bad! Next!
Caller5: Hey Dr. J, I’ve got a problem.
Dr. J: Why does everyone keep calling me with their problems?! Doesn’t anyone just want to have a pleasant conversation anymore?!
(Hangs up)
Dr. J: Next caller!
Caller6: Hey Dr. J, how’s it goin’?
Dr. J: What’s your problem, citizen?
Caller6: I haven’t got a problem. I just-
Dr. J: Then why did you call my help line?!
(Hangs up)
Dr. J: Next! Say hey to Dr. J!
Caller7: Hello Dr. J.
Dr. J: Hi Heero! Have you heard my radio show?
Heero: Yes. Yes I have. Now get off of that planet and back to the ship.
Dr. J: Well I’d love to, but YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!
(Pistol cocking is heard)
Dr. J: You can’t hit me from there!
(The sound of a gunshot and shattering glass is heard)
Dr. J: …I’m going.
(Tape ends)
Dr. J: Oh, you mean THAT show. I didn’t hijack that station; I broke into it after hours!
Duo: Remaining member of the jury, I rest my case.
Zarbon: About time. Well then, let’s-
Dr. J: Wait! I have to cross-examine the witness!
Zarbon: …sir?
Frieza: Let him speak Zarbon. At least there will be absolutely no doubt after this.
Zarbon: Very well. Proceed.
(Dr. J gets up and stands in front of the bench)
Dr. J: Now, Dr. J, isn’t it true that while you’ve built weapons of unspeakable destruction, you’ve also unraveled the mysteries of the universe and made great strides towards the betterment of humanity?
Dr. J: (sits back on the stands) Why yes!…I mean no! Certainly not!
Dr. J: (stands) Need I remind you that you are under oath, Dr. J?!
Dr. J: (sits) Well…ok, I did unravel the secrets, but I haven’t put them to any practical use yet!
Dr. J: (stands) Fair enough. Now, do you know how many pages are in Exhibit B?!
Dr. J: (sits) I don’t see what that has to do with this trial!
Dr. J: (stands) Just answer the question!
Dr. J: (sits) No!
Dr. J: (stands) Your honor, make him answer the question!
Zarbon: (holds out glowing hand)
Dr. J: (sits) Oh very well! There are exactly 2,874 pages!
Dr. J: (stands) And what is written on these pages?!
Dr. J: (sits) The complete chronicles of my work on Heero’s ship!
Dr. J: (stands) Ah ha! Well on page 1,307, it clearly states that you built a device capable of healing mortal wounds! And you call that impractical?!
Dr. J: (sits) Yes! I do! Mortal wounds aren’t fun at all! The very fact that I would have to use the machine would indicate a tragedy!
Dr. J: (stands) Stop playing games Dr. J!
Dr. J: (sits) But I like games!
Dr. J: (stands) It’s time you woke up and started to realize that you can’t go on being insane forever!
Dr. J: (sits) No! Your honor, make him stop!
(Glowing hand has not moved)
Dr. J: (stands) Alright then, just one final question. Where did you lose my car keys?!
Dr. J: (sits) You loaned them to the Muffin Man.
Dr. J: (stands) Wrong! They were in there! (points to flaming wreckage of clown car)
Dr. J: (sits then stands and falls to knees) NNNOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Why Heero?! WHHYYYY?!?!?!
Zarbon: ORDER!!! (smashes podium) Alright, closing remarks!
Duo: If that last display didn’t prove to you that the defendant is completely insane and a danger to those around him, then nothing will. And now, with unfaltering confidence, I’d like to take this opportunity to entertain you with a little Karaoke.
(pulls out microphone and sings the first two words of “The Space Cowboy”. Microphone implodes)
Duo: Hey!
Zarbon: SIT! Defense!
Dr. J: Italian plumber of the jury, if you hadn’t been asleep during that first half, you would have noticed that I was perfectly sane! I just have some criminally insane tendencies. Otherwise, I’m just like the rest of you, except completely different. So before you make your decision, I’d like you to think about one thing: I came here of my own free will, and I know where you live! I rest my case. (sits)
Zarbon: Jury, have you reached a decision?
Luigi: Yes, I’ma have. I’ma find that all of you is’a scare’a me very much. (points at Duo) You make’a the music come out of’a nowhere, (points at Heero) you’a shoot everything, (points at Zarbon) you’rea ready to kill us all, (points at Mickey Mouse) you’rea no belong here, (points at Dr. J) and’a you! You’a the craziest of’a them all! I’ma declare’a you all insane!
Zarbon: Sounds like guilty to me. Dr. J, I hereby sentence you to death.
Dr. J: What?! That jury is clearly crazy!
Luigi: (singing and dancing) I’ma killa you all. I’ma killa you all. I’ma killa you all. I’ma killa you all.(repeats)
Dr. J: I demand a new one!
Zarbon: Quiet! This mockery of a trial was over before it started! You’re a menace to all life in this universe and probably others as well. It’s a miracle that you haven’t caused some terrible disaster already!
Dr. J: Who are you to pass judgment on me!? YOU are a trademarked character being used without the consent of your original creator! All of you are! Every last one of you is illegal, and it’s gone on long enough! The madness must end.
(Dr. J pulls out a button and presses it)
(Dr. J explodes)
(Courtroom explodes)
(Planet explodes)
(Universe explodes)
(Monitor explodes)
(Reader stops laughing)
(The end)