Vincent Fizznoglia
5/17/2004
Little Ado About Anything
A parody of Shakespeare
(Scene opens in a fair garden on
Planet Messina. Ambassador Dorlan, Relena, and Washu lounge. A messenger rushes
in.)
Dorlan: I have excellent news! The soldiers are returning victorious from battle!
(All cheer)
Dorlan: They’re just a few miles down the road, and should be here in about 10 minutes. Let’s see, returning are General Treis, and two of his commanders; Hiero Yui, and a…Dr. J?
Washu: What?! That lunatic is coming here?!!
Dorlan: Oh, you know the fellow?
Washu: Oh how I wish I didn’t. That man is a menace to all of existence! I’ve had him committed to the mental ward Lord knows how many times, but he keeps breaking out. I don’t know how he managed to join the military, or how they managed to keep him from destroying the planet. Needless to say, I don’t want to be anywhere near here if we’re getting a visit from Dr. J.
(Dr. J pops up from behind a rock, all are startled)
Dr. J: Who speaks my name?!
Washu: You! You’re supposed to be down the road with the rest of the soldiers!
Dr. J: I am! See? (points down the road to approaching soldiers. Treis, Heiro, and a poorly sculpted manikin of Dr. J enter. Manikin collapses.)
Relena: Oh my…
Dorlan: Um…er…we- welcome to our humble village, sir.
Treis: Thank you Ambassador. I and my troops will enjoy this fine country for a while.
Dorlan: Well, allow me to introduce you. This is my daughter, Relena, and this (indicating Washu)…well, I’m not all that certain who this is…
Washu: I’m the great inventive genius Washu! I-
Dr. J: Banana nut!
(Momentary silence. Collapsed manikin bursts into flames.)
Hiero: Excuse him; he’s insane.
Dorlan: Well anyway, we must be going off. Important…business…things…to do. You understand.
Treis: Certainly. Carry on, we’ll just make ourselves at home.
(Exit Dorlan, Relena, and Washu)
Hiero: That girl…Relena…
Dr. J: Oh now don’t you start that again Hiero! We got into enough trouble the last time!
Hiero: …last time?
Dr. J: Don’t you remember? That crazy adventure we had in an alternate universe! You were there, she was there, I shot things…good times.
Hiero: (pulls out pistol) You’ll be going to your room now.
Dr. J: Yes’m… (Exits)
Treis: So, you’ve fallen for Ms. Dorlan? Well, you’ll never get to know her with that stoic attitude of yours. Say, I’ll go and talk to her about you, break the ice for you; how about it?
Hiero: Hm. Sure, knock yourself out. (Exeunt)
(Scene opens on a formal party. Dorlan speaks to Relena with Washu. Treis and Hiero stand elsewhere.)
Dorlan: Relena, why don’t you go out and introduce yourself to the guests?
Relena: Of course, father.
Washu: Just stay away from Dr. J. Trust me, you don’t want to have anything to do with that maniac.
Relena: (chuckles) Oh Washu, you’re just being paranoid. He seemed like a fine man, if a bit…odd.
Washu: Just a bit? Listen, I’ve known this guy for years, and that display you saw was him restraining himself. You do not want to see him on a normal day. In fact, the planet’s in constant danger just because he’s on it. I’m warning you, don’t get anywhere near him!
Relena: (giggle) Ok, I’ll avoid him.
(Relena walks off. Treis approaches her and begins chatting. Hiero walks to the refreshment table to grab a drink. Dr. J slowly rises from behind the table.)
Hiero: …Dr. J, what did I tell you about coming to this party?
Dr. J: Hm…well, it was either “don’t come or I’ll shoot you”, or “come and start a fire so I’ll give you shiny things”. Both of them sounded good, so here I am!
Hiero: I see. Do you have anything to say for yourself before you go back to your cage?
Dr. J: Well, I do have some news for you. See Treis over there with Relena? (Treis and Relena talk, laugh for a moment) I was spying on them, and it seems that Treis wants Relena for himself!
Hiero: What? …would Treis…really do that?
Dr. J: HA! You fell for it! Bwa hahahahahaha!!!
(Dr. J runs off. Gunshots ricochet off of the walls he passes. Hiero puts his pistol away as Treis, Relena, Washu, and Dorlan approach)
Treis: Hiero, what was that?
Hiero: Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Treis: I see…well, I’ve spoken with Relena, and it seems she’s taken quite a shine to you. You’re to be married in three days.
Hiero: …what?
Dorlan: I’m so happy for you! You’ll make a fine husband for my Relena!
Hiero: …what?
Relena: Oh yes, I’m so thrilled! I saw you come in to town, so quiet and reserved, and I simply couldn’t stop thinking about you!
Washu: You’re quite a lucky guy! Baggin’ a sweet girl without having to say a word to her.
Hiero: …what?
(Dr. J bursts in wearing a tuxedo and brandishing a cane)
Dr. J: Calloo Callay!
(Dr. J begins to dance disturbingly, swinging the cane recklessly and breaking things. Hiero shoots the cane.)
Dr. J: Hey, I wasn’t finished with my dance number! (gunshot) Ow! That one grazed my ear!
Hiero: The next one won’t miss. Cage!
Dr. J: Aw, you never let me have any fun…
Hiero: That’s because your brand of ‘fun’ involves terror and destruction.
Dr. J: You mean there’s another kind of fun?!
Hiero: OUT!!
Dr. J: Aw… (exit)
Washu: *sigh* I’d better go follow him; make sure he doesn’t come back. You two have fun now! (follows Dr. J)
Relena: Oh Hiero, you saved the party! You’re so brave! (Relena embraces Hiero. Hiero hesitates before returning the hug)
Dorlan: Oh, they make a wonderful couple.
Treis: Speaking of couple, I was thinking…Dr. J and Washu seem to have a lot in common. Maybe we could-
Hiero: I’m going to stop you before you even consider continuing that thought. Dr. J is enough to handle on his own; I don’t need two psychopaths on the brink of genocide chasing me around.
Treis: Right. Forget I mentioned it. By the way, would you know how he got into the military?
(Scene opens in the palace, Hiero walks the halls making preparations for the wedding. Treis approaches.)
Treis: Good day, Hiero.
How go the wedding plans?
Hiero: Fine. Most of the
pressure is from marrying someone three days after I meet her.
Treis: You should consider
yourself lucky, my boy. Most men need to go through years of dating before I girl
would accept the proposal. Oh, there’s one more thing; have you seen Dr. J?
(A small block lowers from the ceiling like an elevator,
bearing Dr. J)
Hiero: If only I hadn’t…
Dr. J: Hiero! Just the man
I wanted to maim! …I mean speak to!
Hiero: Dr. J, are you
incapable of leaving me alone?
Dr. J: Never question my magic!
Hiero: …right.
Dr. J: Well anyway, I’m
afraid I have some bad news.
Hiero: You are bad news.
Dr. J: Yes yes, quite
right, but this actually has nothing to do with me for once! You see, I’ve
discovered that Relena has been meeting with a strange man for months! I’d look
into it if I were you.
Hiero: Dr. J, every time I
listen to you, something ends up on fire. I’m not buying it this time.
Dr. J: But I can prove it!
Meet me outside her bedroom window tonight, at exactly midnight, and you’ll
see. You’ll all see! I’m not mad! It’s you
who’s the crazy one around here!! I’ll show you all!!! (Dr. J runs down
the hall screaming about green chipmunks)
Treis: …is he always like
this?
Hiero: You have no idea.
Treis: So should we go
tonight?
Hiero: Well, I would say
there’s no harm in taking a look, but knowing Dr. J he’ll find a way to work
some into it. I’ll still go though, if for nothing else then to keep an eye on
him.
Treis: Alright, I’ll be
there too.
Act 4
(Scene opens at midnight, outside Relena’s bedroom window. Enter Hiero and Treis.)
Treis: There’s her window.
The light’s still on, but I can’t see anything.
Hiero: Dr. J should be
showing up to change that any minute.
(Dr. J rolls out of a bush and stands up next to them)
Dr. J: Hi Hiero!
Hiero: Ok Dr. J, I’m here.
Now what should I be seeing?
Dr. J: Just watch the
window for a moment, and all will be revealed.
(Shadows move in the window. Two poorly crafted robots
come up to the window and begin spinning around and moving arms up and down.)
Dr. J: See?! There it is,
clear as day!
Hiero: … (Hiero
shoots one of the robots. It falls out of the window and smashes on the
ground.)
Dr. J: *gasp* You’ve
killed him! What did Ickbob ever do to you?! You monster!!
(Smashed robot begins moving arms up and down again. Other
robot catches fire and continues spinning.)
Hiero: This is sad, even
for you. I’m leaving; I expect to see a lack of fire in the morning. See ya
Treis.
Act 5
(Scene opens at the wedding. Hiero and Relena stand in
front with a pastor, everyone else in the audience. Dr. J is not present.)
Pastor: And do you, Relena
Dorlan, take Hiero Yui to be your husband?
Relena: I do.
Pastor: And do you, Hiero
Yui, take Relena to be your wife?
Hiero: I d-
Dr. J (emerging from under
the floor): Hold everything! I have irrefutable evidence that Relena is friends
with…the chipmunks!! (Dr. J waves ‘incriminating’ photos menacingly)
Hiero: First of all, that
has no bearing to any of this. Second, (Hiero shoots the photos). Third, (Hiero puts his pistol against Dr.
J’s head). Will there be any more
interruptions?
Dr. J: What if I had
evidence tha- (Hiero cocks the hammer)
…nevermind…
Hiero: Good.
Pastor: Er…well then,
Hiero, do you?
Hiero: I do.
Pastor: Then I now
pronounce you wed. Now get out of here, and take that lunatic with you!
(Pastor leaves, muttering something about whiskey. Hiero
and Relena embrace. Audience cheers. Hiero and Relena come down the aisle,
everyone begins to follow.)
Dr. J: Stop! (Everyone
stops.) You there! (indicates Washu)
Washu: Oh no…
Dr. J: Is it not true that
you are the inventor of…this?! (takes out small device)
Washu: Uh…yeah, that’s
mine alright.
Dr. J: And is it not true
that you built it to do…this?! (throws device at a wall. Device
explodes, wall crumbles)
Washu: Well yeah, it’s a
bomb, but I don’t see what-
Dr. J: Ah hah! I declare
this woman to be just as crazy as I am! Officers, take her away!
(Everyone fails to be surprised by the lack of an arrest
by the lack of officers)
Dr. J: And now I retire…to
the moon! WHHHEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
(Dr. J runs off flailing his arms. Everyone else shrugs
and continues the merriment.)