Scene opens in King’s throne room. Sir Rodney walks in, bows.
Rodney: My liege, I bring news of the West.
King: I despise the West! Upon the eve of each day, they pilfer the sun! I know not how, but always do they have it! Nay, speak no word of them. Fetch me news from the North.
Rodney: …ay m’lord. Amongst the…northern hills of, uh…I’shnakterburn, there be’st an unsavory fellow, Dr. J by name, who, by word of the wind, be constructing some device of unholy intent, and devising some machination against your fair kingdom of Krishna.
King: This be dire news indeed. Summon my knights! Charge them the task of relieving our kingdom from this most detestable menace!
Rodney: Sire, the knights still linger on your previous quest to…capture the moon.
King: Those Western knaves may have the sun, but they never shall take my moon! …well, if there be no knights to alleviate this treasonous demoniac, set the task upon the peasants. Declare a bounty of some soothless sum for whosoever saveth our kingdom.
Rodney: I away with haste, m’lord.
Scene opens in light woods. A Mercenary and a Villager travel together.
Villager: *sigh* My feet do fall heavy, and thy feet assault my nostrils. May we not rest a moment?
Mercenary: This I have spoke to you more times than I recall; you may rest any time you please, we travel not together!
Villager: Ha ha! Oh, were’t thou always so full of jest, I never would have need of rest! Now I wish our destination were another day’s journey away!
Mercenary: Another day, and you shall not live to know it.
Villager: But we shall not know whether it shall take another day until another day has passed, and by then I already would know-
Mercenary: Silence! Thy words be Fire Giants to the Asgard of my mind…ah, finally, there lies the cave.
Villager: Cave? Were we not journeying to the Northern Hills?
Mercenary: …you followed me through the Western Woods for hours, and only now do you realize that these aren’t hills?!
Villager: The King proclaimed the bounty to be in the North, and-
Mercenary: And the King be a fool! The bounty posters declared this Dr. J to be in this very cave. S’blood, there be a sign at the entrance! Points to sign labeled “Dr. J’s cave”.
Villager: It likely be a clever ruse. Come, we must away from here! It be only a 4-day journey to reach the Northern Hi- Mercenary shoots Villager. Aaai! Oh, what a cruel fate, to be struck down before the true journey could begin! Oh how I wish that I- Mercenary shoots again. Villager promptly dies.
Mercenary: Hopefully there shall be no further distractions. Soldier walks in.
Soldier: Good day, my good fellow! Be ye chasing the bounty as we-…why be this man dead in the road?
Mercenary: A bear killed him. He was like that when I arrived. What man?! I see none!
Soldier: Er…of…course… slowly backs into cave. Mercenary follows.
Scene opens on Dr. J in his cave. Dr. J holds a stone and works.
Dr. J: Ah, such a fine day for the completion of my work. Do you not agree Ickbob? Dr. J addresses stone. Ho ho ho! Oh Ickbob, always insane.
Soldier enters followed by Mercenary. Dr. J puts stone down on table.
Soldier: Hold! I come on holy writ of the King to capture one Dr. J. Come quietly, and we’ll have no-
Dr. J: That’s it! I’ve had enough!
Soldier: But…I’ve not done anything yet.
Dr. J: That’s what you think!
Soldier: Er…
Mercenary: We’ll have none of your tricks now! I’ll have your plan now, or I’ll have your head!
Dr. J: Oh jolly, you’ve come to buy the plants! They’re right in the corner, 10 gil a bud.
Mercenary: I spoke not of plants! Now tarry no longer, or thy blood shall decorate the walls!
Dr. J: Alright fine, my plans. Tomorrow I plan to go to market, and buy no fewer than three pairs of socks. Then, I’ll-
Soldier: Silence! Enough of these games! We know of your wicked creation. What dastardly designs have you for our fair kingdom?!
Dr. J: Oh, that! Well you see- LOOK!! Points behind them. They turn around, and Dr. J holds sign up in front of his face. They turn back.
Mercenary: …pardon good sir, but be there some method to this asininity?
Dr. J: Blast! Drops sign, startled, picks up stone. I told you it wouldn’t work!
Soldier: Ar…art thou talking to that stone?
Dr. J: Why, yes!
Soldier: And thou doth hold discourse with it?
Dr. J: Certainly! Art thou deaf?
Soldier: Art thou mad?
Dr. J: Madness is an art, and deafness blinds you to it!
Soldier: …do mine ears deceive me, or doth this man babble distractedly?
Dr. J: What?! How dare you insult me in my own home! Ickbob, show them to the door! Holds out stone for extended period. What do you mean there is no door? I thought I told you to install one yesterday!
Soldier: Art thou certain we have the right cave? This man is clearly too-
Mercenary shoots Dr. J’s stone out of his hand.
Dr. J: Ah! Ickbob? Ickbob!! Nooo!!!
Soldier: What hast thou done?!
Mercenary: Clearly the rock was the source of the wizard’s magic.
Soldier: Magic? Wizard?! Art thou as twisted as he?!
Dr. J: Hey, I’m not twisted! I’m merely rotated a delightful three quarters.
Mercenary: Aha! He admits he’s been turned! Unsheathe the holy water!
Soldier: This is no demon! It is a deranged hermit who-
Dr. J: At last! My work is completed!
Soldier: Work?! You’ve done nothing but ramble senselessly since we’ve arrived!
Dr. J: Actually I finished it several weeks ago. I’ve just
been waiting for an audience to unveil it to. Now behold the might of my genius
and tremble! Holds up a shoe.
Mercenary: …I behold a lonely shoe. And a like-spun lunatic.
Soldier: …a shoe…one shoe…I traveled through lands unruly and faced perils unearthly, to capture an off-marked mark-off wielding one damn shoe?! Could the day possibly hold any further bestrangement?!
King walks in.
King: A foul and cursed fate on they, those dogs who steal my sun away!
Soldier: The king?! Does nothing in this cave make sense?!
Dr. J: I should hope not!
King: I’ve come to find where those Western devils have hidden the suns of all the days gone past. Be they here?!
Mercenary: No you twit, but we did catch Dr. J.
King: Oh? Wonderful! Well then, Dr. J, you are charged with crimes against the state. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Dr. J: I have but one word. Bribery! Hands King the shoe.
King: Why it’s exactly my size! And it matches the other single shoe I was bribed with! Oh! Send for the scribes, I feel a proclamation coming on!
Enter Rodney with parchment.
King: Rodney, what day is it?
Rodney: ‘Tis Tuesday, sire.
King: I hereby proclaim that, henceforth, Tuesday shall be known as J day, and upon every J day let all hearts be filled with song, and the land be enshrined in pie!
All: Huzzah!
Narrator (in Germanic accent): Und so it came zhat every Tuesday, all made merry, und ate pie. Ze end.